Posting out of anger today. And before I even start, there's a kind request from me to my fellow DeMUN promotion team to stop reading right now, unless you actually want to talk to Stephanie and I about it. If you're going to continue making me feel like an ass, then quit reading now.
Unfortunately for me, I'm having another slump in life like the day after Valentine's Day (hehe, sounds like I was heartbroken that day). Go read post if you don't know what I'm talking about. Funnily enough, this anger is caused by the exact same people that dragged me into my depression two weeks ago. I'm not saying they were the only cause of that depression, but they definitely were the 'tip of the iceberg.'
Ok, here it goes.
So two weeks ago the whole MUN group was assigned their DeMUN job. I didn't make it into the promotion team, which I wanted badly. I've been discussing it with Stephanie since the beginning of the year. I was pissed and apparently started whining about it, which lead to one of the team members to give up their spot so Stephanie and I could be in the team. On one side I was glad, because this is what I wanted, but on the other hand I was pissed because the only reason they let me in the team was because I was "whining and complaining they'd have to much work." Firstly, I never said anything to you guys. You're falsely accusing me of something. Sure, I talked to Stephanie, but you weren't (or at least shouldn't) have been listening then. And don't give me the "looks say more than words" because I find that to be absolute bullshit. I suck at facial expressions, there's no way that that cliche can apply to me.
Over the holiday I wanted to make a schedule for which half of the team goes to which 2nd/3rd year class. I e-mailed one team member asking when she had free periods. I got a reply saying "you have to discuss this with the rest of the team." To me, that came across as "I don't want to tell you because I don't want you to be in charge." The first day after the vacation, I told the team why I hadn't brought the schedule. The other members besides Stephanie and I didn't really listen and started making their own schedule. I have no problems with this, but they gave themselves two classes more than us. Again, I don't mind this that much --but wait till you hear the rest of the story.
Yesterday afternoon I was suddenly told at 2pm that Stephanie and I had to write the letter to send to schools about DeMUN. I'm perfectly okay with writing a letter, I quite enjoy it, I have absolutely no reasons not to do it --unless it's on short notice. Herroho, I get home at 16:45 on Tuesday, I change into my volleyball clothes, eat something and am off to my training. I get home at 20:30, eat dinner, shower and only have time for homework and other things from 21:30. MUN is last in my priorities. I just don't see how someone can expect us to be okay with writing a letter in one afternoon.
Last night, when I logged in, I was feeling good because at volleyball practise I smashed loads of balls, and it felt surprisingly good to blow off some steam. But the moment I changed my status to online, and people started talking to me, my emotions went from yay to boo. Stephanie told me about her conversation with a promotion team member, what she'd said and stuff. Reading it hurt, it's tough for me to hear things like "we should have never let you guys on the team."
As you may have noticed, Stephanie also posted a bit about this yesterday. The comments someone from the promotion team left behind piss me off so bad.
Things I really just need to get off my chest:
- If you don't want me in the team, then fucking say it in my face. Stop being asses on the internet and then at school be all nice.
- I've been here all the time feeling like the victim of the situation: you guys make us write the letter because you "did more classes" (--wtf, we asked for more!) and you "did the application form" (--true, I won't deny that, but seriously, how much work was that?)
- You guys make me feel like I'm incapable of this all. You make me feel stupid, you make me feel like what I say doesn't matter. That's not how you define "team."
- I don't get the idea anybody listens to me. I've asked many things, but never really got answers. I think I unconsciously start what you call "whining" because it's the only way you'll listen.
- Criticism isn't bad, but saying mean things is a different story.
- I feel really stabbed in the back, and that hasn't helped the view I have of Wassenaar/Rijnlands.
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The rest of this post isn't directed exactly towards the whole DeMUN thing, but DeMUN has helped me think about it all.
People at the Rijnlands Lyceum need a mirror. They need to look at themselves, not at their "pretty" faces, but at their personality. I don't why it is, but it seems like everybody at the Rijnlands, -with a few exceptions- is the same. Everybody takes whatever oppurtunity they have to stab someone in the back, or just to be an asshole. I'm guessing the *shit* way some people were raised is the main reason. Those people know peer pressure like no other, and use it to their advantage. They drag along the kids who were raised well down to their own level. Only the few people with their own mind and who can resist the peer pressure stay fairly normal.
It pisses me off, my only highschool memories are going to be "I hated him" or "She was such an asshole." I just wish I could go back in time, back to the times that I could get along with everybody, and we had a fun class. I just wish all the Rijnlanders would get slapped in the face and taught how to be reasonable and polite. I wish I could slap them in the face. Man I'd enjoy that.
Not only do they need a mirror, they need to be shown what empathy is. I'm not saying we all need to hold hands and be overly nice to each other, but it would be good if people could just stop and think for a moment - just a few seconds - how someone else might be feeling. I get so frustrated when students constantly take the mickey out of teachers and completely disrespect them. I mean, in the end, they're the ones you'll need. They're the ones that are going to help you get the grades to be able to get into good universities.
This morning I came to the conclusion I hang around with the wrong people. It seems that every time I feel like a problem has been resolved, a new problem pops up within 24 hours. It's insane. And funny, because I've never had this much drama in my life, which is probably because I can forgive and forget. It seems Wassenaar can't, and it's because of this that they constantly bring up old fights/arguments.
Anyway, I'm sure that by this time you all think I'm trying to 'blame' people for my misery (which I guess I am doing) and that I'm trying to seem like the victim. And that I want you all to feel sorry for me. Believe, that's the last thing I'm trying to achieve with this. What I'm really trying to achieve with this post is for people to realise what impact their words have on me, and that they realise that all I want is to have fun and for everybody to be happy. I want to resolve the issues we have; there's only one way to do that and that's to talk but like I said before, it seems like nobody listens to me.
I know this post is getting rather long, that's why I'm stopping now. All I want now is to let anybody who's read up to this point know that if you're going to leave a mean comment behind, then don't bother. I've had enough bullshit today, I don't need more. I know you hate me, but there's no need to ruin my blog with it. I'm already upset my blog has become so emo lately. Funny comments are however much appreciated, having a smile on my face after today would be great. Consider it an early birthday present. ^^
Wishing I wasn't here and didn't have to do this,
Maxime.
12 comments:
Those people you refer to in your blog may think God on their bare knees you have the dignity to not mention their names because I would have come down to wherever your school is/where they live and kick their sorry asses.
Sorry I don't know anything to make you smile, I'd have loved to make you smile; I like it when you smile, but your blog kinda drained me.
My memory of first seeing you, one that will always stay with me, was 'Gee, pretty and nice people still exist', just remember that, Maxi(me)!
Why are you letting these people get to you so much, they're not worth it, all these bad feelings. Just remember that some day they'll find themselves in some gutter while you're up there being what you've always wanted to be because you knew how to be nice and treat people with respect.
I think you two (you, Maxime, and Steph) are great additions to the team; the others are just asses who don't know any better than to express their own discomfort through hurting others. Just remember you two are tha bomb if you ask me, but who'd ask me anything in the first place, never mind that. Too bad your DeMUN thingy is just in the Netherlands, it would have been grant to see you again, but hey I'll see you again some day, right.
Lots of love & kisses,
NSP
Omg NSP I love you. You came back just when I needed it =]
I chose not to write names in an attempt to not create any more drama. And I'd rather have you come down here for me and Step than for their asses ;-). Hell, think I'd rather be *softly* kicked in the ass by you than that you kick theirs. They are not worthy of your divine feet. xD
Hehe, Maxi. Yay you made me smile. *Thumbs up*
They get to me so much because they are (were?) my friends. I had so much fun in Ypres and in class with them. It hurts when they start saying things like they have.
I'm sure half of this is just puberty kicking in, on top of the fact that I can't take criticism that well.
Yep, we are tha bomb! KABOOM. And that was not a bomb attached to my body, I'm not suicidal enough. Heh.
You will see me again some day, either to kick my ass or to kick classmates' asses. Till then, I'll stay right where I am worshipping you. :)
Anyway, thanks NSP. Even though I don't know who you are, and for all I know you could just be a joke, I still appreciated your comment. It's nice to hear someone cares. (Even if it's fake, it still makes me feel like someone cares, and that's all that matters right now.)
<3 Maxime
=D NSP, your comment made up for "the other anonymous comments" (my blog).
Oh Drama Drama Drama. We (maybe WE do) seem not be able to live without it. Im going to write a Wassenaar/RLW post as well I guess... just for the hell of it ^^. It might be mean, it might mee meelevend, but its goin to be fun writing anyway.
The funniest thing about this all, I have had these fucked up conversations with someone (not related to this, didnt discuss this with hem either), but he made me look different on shit like this. He sort of learned me to laugh about shit like this. Props at ppl like him and to the other guys who seem to have an awesome point off view on (social) stuff.
I'd love seeing some asses kicked ^^.
Ofcourse we are the bomb... bombs wiht af en toe a little mental problems, like depressions&onzekerheden, but bombs are bombs =P.
Demun is going to rock anyway, I mean hell we're goin to pwn ECOSOC!
The only thing I have a real problem with is ppl not listening, putting words in your mouth and changing your words. That pisses me of SOOO bad.
ok tooo long comment, i'll shut up.
I admit, this whole drama thing is kinda funny. Who would have thought people would find MUN so much fun and would be so dedicated, that they start making things up? It's hilarious and ridiculous. Ah well, this is Wassenaar, and it wouldn't be Wassenaar if there wasn't drama.
I think this is the first time I'm really involved in such a big thing, and I've found it to be pretty interesting and although it pisses me off, I can laugh about it.
I know that when it's DeMUN, and we'll be chairing, we're gonna rock.
We are the bomb indeed. Did you see how many people from G3a signed up?! Holy moly, we do rule. I'm sure Sasha talked Nadia into it, but I do think my many talks at home with you-know-who have also helped.
Changing words suck. It's called making things up. I call it pathetic.
shut the fuck up maxime!
Misschien moet j ook eens nadenken wat er in onze hoofden omgaat! Oke ik heb er niks over verteld op school behalve aan laureen en bar maar als j t zo graag wilt vertel ik t morgen wel! Over de politie, bedreigingen en me ma die niet ff zomaar ziek naar huis gaat. Ohja en ook nog het feit dat mijn immuun systeem me lichaam vernield, en dan dit geshit nog.
En nok it met je Ik ben zo zielig want mensen noemen me emo..En wat nou dat wij shitty doen over t internet j doet het zelf net zo hard in die blog van je! Wees dan een vent en zet onze namen erbij...dan wordt het leuk...
En idd je zeikt! wtf jullie wouden zo graag in promotie team, nooit wat van gehoord. En als jullie het zo graag willen neem dan eigen initiatief. Je moet wat doen voor je plaats van af het begin! praat met mensen op msn en als ze niet reageren bel ze.
En als j het zo graag wilt zeg ik het ook nog recht in je face morgen. Als je dat aankan tenminste, miss voel j dan ook dat j niet de enige bent die gebroken is. Shut the fuck up... en voordat jullie gaan zeiken over anoniem log ik voor je in.
LS
En chicks ik heb t niet verzonnen iemand heeft t aan mij verteld dus noem mij niet pathetic tot j het van mij hebt gehoord fcol!
LS
de politie, bedreigingen en me ma die niet ff zomaar ziek naar huis gaat. Ohja en ook nog het feit dat mijn immuun systeem me lichaam vernield -->You're not the only one with issues. Ik heb ook allerlei problemen, maar dat hou ik gewoon voor mezelf omdat ik nu wel gezien wat roddels allemaal kunnen doen.
Als je wil dat ik namen er bij zet, sure. Ik deed het omdat ik nog wel een beetje respect voor jullie heb; ik dacht ik laat jullie dignity intact.
Promotie team --> ik heb geprobeerd te praten, maar ik kreeg antwoorden waar ik verder niks mee kon. Dan lijkt het dus echt of je niet wil dat ik iets doe.
"nooit wat van gehoord." -->huh dit snap ik gewoon niet. wat probeer je nou te zeggen?! =S
Dat laatste berichtje.. ik zeg alleen dat het pathetic is als je de woorden verandert. Maar zeg dan wie het je heeft verteld, dan ga ik die achterna want dat Stephanie bij De Jong heeft geklaagd is gewoon bullshit.
Trouwens, over die klacht, er is al best vaak gevraag hoe we jullie 'verraden' hebben, maar we hebben nog steeds geen duidelijk antwoord gekregen.
Serieus, waar gaat dit nu eigenlijk over? Wij baalden dat er niet gecommuniceerd werd binnen het "team", maar nu komen er dingen als prive problemen en een (verzonnen) klacht bij De Jong. Slaat nergens op.
Maar anyway, laat ik het zo zeggen, Stephanie and I have something up our sleeves.
ja zoals altijd
het is niet verzonnen...baay heeft emilie tegen de jong horen praten. We hebben het nog nagevraagd, aan baay gevraagd of hij de waarheid sprak.
JA!
En dit zei de jong:
"Als het niet wordt opgelost worden LAureen, Barbara en lotte uit het team gezet."
@stephanie: Komt je dat niet goed uit? Je wou laureen er toch zo graag uit hebben uit heel MUN? nou nu heb j mij en bar er ook nog bij. Want als bar en lau eruit worden gekickt gaan ze uit heel mun. Lucky you stephanie komen je wensen toch nog uit!
xxxLS
Ik heb Lau nooit eruit gekickt willen hebben, dit heb ik nooit gezegt, gedacht of gewild. See, waar the fuck komt dit vandaan??? Not from me I tell yeah.
Alles wat wij toen tegen alleen Kate hebben gezegt is dat we baalden omdat we niks voor Demun konden doen, terwijl jullie allemaal al andere dingen te doen hadden. We wouden niemand eruit hebben.
Over emilie: waarom krijg ik daar de shit van over mijn hoofd? Waarom word ik daar op aan gesproken? Waarom hebben jullie NIETS tegen emilie hierover gezegt en zeiken jullie tegen mij?
ps. wat viel er te veraden? volgens mij kun je pas verraden als er iets te verraden valt. Dat moet dus betekenen dat jullie ergens fout zitten..
ja nee off course wij hebben alles altijd gedaan...zo is toch hoe t gaat jullie zijn de zielige
LS
wow weinig argumenten kwamen daar op trug
So true.
Man we komen echt nergens. We hebben met zn 4en twee lesuren erover geprobeerd te praten maar ik heb niet het gevoel dat we veel verder zijn gekomen.
Ik weet dat ik eigenwijs kan zijn, ik weet dat ik jullie kut heb laten voelen met mn post. Maar ik snap niet dat jullie niet zien dat dat nooit mijn bedoeling is geweest. En ik begrijp ook niet waarom jullie denken dat wij je opeens haten...
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