Melancholy got in my throat.

I doubt any of you know this, but I’ve been writing on and off in a note book since 2002. The last few days I’ve taken the time to read my entries from over the years, and I have to say I’ve come to a conclusion I’d rather not have.

Since March 2006 my entries started to ‘go downhill’ and most are rather depressing. There’s one entry, from around the time of my 15^th birthday, that I talk about suicide and how I’d never be able to commit suicide (for reasons I won’t go into). In a different entry, from around the time of MUNISH, I talk about cutting (my) wrists. There was also an entry from a few months ago about running away, and in it I wrote how I thought it would be to spend the whole night in the centrum or in the park. I’ve also written lots about how I felt like I was stabbed in the back by people at school, and how I feel like I’m trapped in my own body. Part of a song I listened to many times last year: “Are you locked up in a world, that’s been planned out for you? Are you feeling like a social tool without a use? Scream at me until my ears bleed, I’m taking heed, just for you.”

I guess you all know now where the sub-title of this blog comes from. Back to the song, I remember listening to that song once in the pouring rain, trying to hold back my tears. Why I was so upset that day, I don’t know, but every time I hear that song now, I see a younger me on my bike, in the rain, on my way home along the Rijksstraatweg.

Before you all think I’m more depressed than I am, I should state that since the summer I’ve only been writing when I was pissed off and needed to cool down. Writing in this note book, which is actually a really old birthday present, is my way of escaping from whatever pain I’m in. Just for the sake of not having millions of people on MSN suddenly ask whether I’m suicidal –no, I’m not. I may have written and though about it in the past, but that’s when I was in a very bad mood. Take my word, I will not commit suicide. (Well, in the near future, that is =P) And no, I have not cut my wrists. Again, I’ve written and thought about it, but the nearest thing to wrist cutting I’ve done is get a paper cut in my hand. And lastly, me? Run away? I’d only run away if I had somewhere to go to –I hate sleeping in a tent, how would you expect me to survive without a blanket? No but seriously, however much I hate my family at times, in the end they are the one group of people that have raised me and I have known longest. It’s my home.

If you hadn’t guessed already, the conclusion I came to is that I am/was depressed. No, not the type of depression you see on Dr. Phil, just my own little slump in life. It’s hard to admit, but it’s all my fault. In the nearly three years I’ve been at the Rijnlands, I’ve built a wall around myself and have not been very open to new people that at first seem unkind. Same goes for the volleyball club, I’ve excluded myself from everything that goes on over there. All this because I was scared –scared of rejection, scared of being stabbed in the back, scared I’d not be accepted. I feel it is this exclusion that has lead me to feel lonely and useless. In turn, this has made me look for ‘fun’ on the net and on TV. In vacations I’ve spent the majority of my time in my room, either watching TV or surfing the net, excluding myself from more activities. My room has become the place where I am safe, where I feel most comfortable. It’s true; the walls we build around us to keep sadness out, also keep out the joy.

And that, that is exactly what I’ve had enough of. I want to get out more, I want to stop spending so many pointless hours on the internet which only bore me, I want to find new hobbies. For this reason I’ve decided to set some rules for myself to abide by in the vacation (spend so many hours doing this first, then so many hours doing that), in the hopes of feeling I’ve actually accomplished something over the holiday.

Going back to the depression, I just thought I’d fill you in on how I’m doing now. Currently, I’m still rather unhappy about my life. I’m not necessarily sad – it’s not like I cry myself to sleep or anything – but I do feel like I was either born 30 years to late (I will not explain my many reasons to believe that) or that I was born a mistake. I feel like I have absolutely no reason to live. I feel that if I wasn’t here, the world wouldn’t be a different place. It’d still be the Rijnlands Lyceum Wassenaar, it’d still be the De Gooijers, it’d still be Kalinko (=volleyballclub). I sincerely feel that if I were to die right now, people would mourn for a week or two and then forget all about me. On top of feeling pointless, I feel like people never hear me, or just don’t listen to me. Or don’t want to hear me, which is even harder to accept. It could very well be that because I don’t feel like anybody listens to me, that I feel useless.

In the attempts of not losing your concentration, I’ll start wrapping this post up, even though I feel like I haven’t told everything I wanted to. Two points I find rather important and I want you to read:

1. I’m not a very good talker, I have extreme difficulties opening myself up to people. I don’t feel comfortable telling people how I really feel. So please guys, don’t interrogate me about this whole issue. For now, I have my notebook to talk to, and that’s good enough for me. Although… if you ever notice I’m really down, give a small hint that you’ve noticed and I might explain and open up a little.
2. Don’t fucking call me emo just because of this post. I may not be as happy as [fill in name here] but for God’s sake, I don’t do the typical “emo” things. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but it’s possible to be a little upset without being emo. In the beginning it was funny when we made jokes about it, but right now I can’t fucking stand it when someone calls me emo. So please, quit it.

Lastly, I would just like to clear up why I decided to write this post. To be honest, I felt very falsely accused this afternoon which was all that was needed for me to burst inside and tell you all how I feel. I know that at school I always seem fairly happy, like nothing’s wrong. I can’t stand it anymore, feeling misunderstood/not heard, so I thought I’d let you know that ‘nothing’s wrong’ doesn’t apply anymore. After one, two, three, six – however long you’ve known me - years, it’s time to see Maxime from the inside.

Oh, one final request: please, please don’t leave sarcastic or ‘funny’ comments behind. I know that that is what I’ve done on other people’s blog posts, but I can’t handle that. It’ll only confirm my feeling that nobody listens to what I say. I’ll use this post to say sorry to anybody who posted something similar to this, and I left a comment that seemed rude or as if I was taking the mickey. Guess I’ve never realized what it’s like to put your true thoughts up on the net for everyone to see.

So, no interrogating me and no silly comments. I can't handle that.

*Update*
What sucked today: should be obvious enough. not only the depression, but my whole school day sucked.
What rocked today: not much. nothing.
What I needed today: alone time.
What I wanted today: certain people to just get off my back. & people to see how bad I take criticism, how much it affects my mood for the rest of the day.