I feel retarded.

I’m sorry to have to disappoint you with a post about school, grades and myself (rather than a fun post), but I really need to write and my journal isn’t comforting me enough.

A couple hours ago, after my maths test, my chemistry teacher came up to me, and asked for a minute. We talked and what it came down to is that I sucked at the test and my end of year grade is pretty bad. FAIL.

I had trouble keeping my tears back, because whether or not I was going to fail the year depended on this grade. It killed me knowing I was going to have to go through the whole 4^th year again. With my brother. The moment the teacher walked away I ran back to Lotte and pretty much burst into tears. Who would’ve thought I’d cry at school. In my 4^th year. During break for everyone to see. Soon enough more people came but however hard they tried to console me, nothing really helped. Only Lotte’s mom gave me a little hope. Maybe she’s right. Maybe they will give me a chance.

It’s tough hearing that you got the lowest grade of the year for a subject you really put some effort into, knowing that the last time we had our testweek I got the highest grade of the year for a subject I don’t put any effort into whatsoever. It’s confusing, weird and slightly ironic. Not to forget FRUSTRATING.

What’s most frustrating about this all is that – in the end – it’s my fault for letting it get this far. Looking back, I really didn’t work much at the beginning of the year. Or the middle. Or the end for that matter. I’m lazy as fuck. When I got my last report card, I told myself I needed to get myself sorted because otherwise the year would not have a happy ending, and here I am now. Not sorted.

Every weekend, I promise myself to work harder and more efficiently, yet every time I end up staring outside. I turn off my computer, pull out the cable to my TV and clear my desk so that I don’t get distracted. The routine works in the sense that I don’t get distracted, but it doesn’t help me concentrate. I always end up staring outside at the other houses. Or at the cars. Or the leaves. Or the rain.

This Friday is doomsday. It’s the day that all teacher will discuss students and their achievements. In the evening, those who fail the year will be called. I, however, will have sought refuge in Terschelling by that time and will hopefully be piss drunk so that when my mom calls with the bad news, I won’t care and won’t burst into tears again.

Damn it. I’ve never felt this bad about school. It’s killing me. I’m not even really looking forward to Terschelling any more. Or the two concerts. Or camp. Or vacation. Hell, I’d probably even follow my regular school timetable rather than have a vacation if it meant that I wouldn’t fail the year. The rain outside hasn’t made me feel much better either. I guess it does sort of fit in the picture though. Oh, and knowing Aap won’t be in Terschelling absolutely ruins the day.

I went out for a walk went I got home. Thinking time. I needed to clear my head. But it hasn’t helped. I’m still down and feeling shit, regretting so many of the decisions I’ve made this year.

I’m so pathetic. I’m sitting here, all angry at myself, eating lollipops in the hopes that they can console me.

Bah humbug.

Sorry if the post is rather jumbled up and grammatically incorrect. I can't be bothered to write a well-contructed post.